cuteness from the couch...

Over the years, these couches have propped up two of the cutest babies I know...

never what you'd expect...

Today I feel like I know my son better.  It's as if a piece of his puzzle has been given to me.

We didn't expect it to happen EVER.  But especially this soon.

You see, we met our son's birthmother for the first time, and we absolutely LOVE her.

He's no longer quite the mystery that he was before.  His history no longer begins at the day he was dropped into my arms.  And HIS story just became that much more meaningful, as he will now grow up seeing the love between his birthparents and his adoptive parents.  Cheering him on.  Wanting the best for him.  In open adoption, we ALL rally behind and unite around one person: the baby!

And to think, our paths would have never crossed otherwise.

But that's not altogether true.

Because He knew what He was doing when he brought a little 2 year old girl from Haiti to the States with her parents many years ago.  And He knew at just the right time how our lives and our stories would intersect.

Yesterday, we were able to see that grand Story unfold just a tiny bit more.

So how do you prepare to meet the mother of your newborn son?  Seriously, are there any words or gifts adequate enough to convey the depth of gratitude we carry?  Nevertheless, I found a bracelet made with Jameson's birthstone that had a silver charm of two tiny baby feet.  We also bought a photo album and filled it with many of the photos that you, blog readers, have enjoyed seeing since he was placed with us.

And then I asked Caroline, who has been on a major crafting kick recently, if she would like to make a card for Jameson's birthmother.

After a few minutes and a few "Mom, how do you spell such-and-such?"'s, I looked down to see what she had written...



Could there be anything more sweet?  My little girl!  I almost burst into tears.  (I'm sure the birthmom did, too, after she got home and read it.)

So it was time for the meeting, and things rarely go as planned, do they?  Our case worker had arrnaged for us to meet in a quiet room at a pregnancy center in another town, thinking we would have a beautiful, private moment together before heading to a restaurant for lunch.  Probably like something you would envision in the movies.  (at least that's what I was sortof expecting it to be like... complete with violins playing in the background and everything!)

But, it's never what you'd expect.  For whatever reason, when we pulled in, the pregnancy center wasn't even open!?, so the first moment we actually saw her was slightly anti-climactic.  She pulled up in the car near ours with the social worker.  Oh my gosh!  There she is! Marc and I said to each other from our car.  We then watched as Jameson's 4' 11" birthmommy got out of the car, cute and stylish as she could be, with the smile of an angel, and we met her with big hugs in the parking lot of all places!

When she saw Jameson, she couldn't believe how big he was.  (which is funny, because he's still only barely 8 lbs now!  But I'm sure that's a big jump from seeing your little 6 lb baby...)  


It was amazing to watch her hold her son again.  Amazing.

I am always thrilled to watch our birthmommies welcome their children into their arms again.  My spot in this triangle as an adoptive mama is a blessing and privilege.  Never a right.  I want my kids to know and love their birth families.  No secrets.  No wondering.

I'm sure Jameson remembered her voice, and his eyes gazed up into hers so intently.


The next few hours of our visit were spent over lunch.  Getting to know one another.  Laughing interspersed with hugging.  She was so happy and kept thanking us!!?!?  (um, I think we owe WAY more thanks here...)  She said our meeting was confirming for her and that we were the perfect fit for Jameson.  (We felt more like she was actually the perfect fit for us.)

We shared stories of how we each felt at every step of this adoption journey from both of our perspectives.  We told her about Team Jameson, and how many of you were at our house helping to throw things together in 9 short days!  She couldn't believe it.  We asked her for her advice with Jameson's hair, and she said she was still trying to figure out how to do her own 3 year old boy's hair!  (we had a wonderful laugh about this together)  I told her about how Jameson's nursery is inspired by Haiti so that a piece of her would always be with him.  She fought back tears.  I showed her the pictures and she couldn't believe how beautiful it was.  I could tell that meant more to her than she could probably express in that moment.

I had no idea she delivered my son alone that night.  It wasn't how she had intended.  While in labor, a male nurse who knew about her plan to adopt stayed by her side, telling her what an amazing thing she was doing.  As if God sent her one of His angels.  The thought of her there at the hospital, bearing the physical pain ALONE on my behalf is seriously enough to make me weep if I dwell on it.

I don't deserve this child!

She told us about the minute she saw our profile, and how she and the birthfather knew we were the ones.  They saw pictures of Caroline, and how obviously happy she was in our family, even as an adopted child.  And when they saw that Caroline had no hair, the birthmother told us that they knew then that we could love any child.  (Even a brown one.)

That could not have been more meaningful to me.

Those of you who have followed our blog for years and went through the agony of Caroline's hairloss with us know what an unbelievably painful and scary journey it was to diagnose and accept alopecia into our life.  It was the VERY unwelcome family member at the table.  Watching my daughter, at age 2, ever so slowly metamorphasize from a picture of beauty and strength into the picture of a cancer patient has still, to this date, been the most devastating thing I've ever experienced.  Oh, I know it's just hair.  But for so long, we weren't even so sure it was just hair.  I was so afraid my daughter was very sick, and that I was doing something very wrong because I couldn't stop it from happening.

Obviously, we've come a long way, baby.

It's been in accepting and embracing Caroline's alopecia that  I've died to alot of ideals and hopes.  I've adjusted my eyes to understand and appreciate true, lasting beauty.  Through alot of tears and alot of good counseling and the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit in my heart, I've come to see alopecia not as a curse anymore, but as a gift.  It still has its challenges, but I know for certain my Caroline is GORGEOUS, inside and outside, and we don't need hair to make us beautiful.

It was through alopecia that Marc and I came to see that our little family isn't meant to look like everyone else anyways.

So back in April when I put together our adoption profile, perhaps my biggest fear was that potential birthmommies would look at our family, see our bald daughter, and be scared away.  That may not make much sense to you guys, but it was something about which I was quite worried.  At our meeting yesterday, I confessed that I had carried this fear to Jameson's birthmom, to which she quickly responded, "Oh, but that's exactly WHY I picked you guys."

Of course it was.

Because in God's stories, it's always upside down, isn't it?  It's never what you'd expect.

It's the bad guys, not the good ones, that Jesus goes after with pursuing love.
(like, the kind of guys that were killing the good guys!  And God says, That's who I want to be an apostle!)

It's the weak and the poor that are exalted, not the strong and the rich.

It's the King of the Universe born in a lowly cattle stall.

Jesus' economy rarely squares up with our own.

So, of COURSE, the very thing that I feared keeping me from an adoption was the very thing that He used to give me an adoption.

Wow.


And not only is God using Caroline's alopecia in this relationship with Jameson's birthparents, but her adoption story as well.

What was originally going to be a closed adoption is just not going to stay closed!  Yay!  (Hopefully it won't be too long before she'll be reading this blog!)

I think that seeing and hearing about Caroline's adoption and her open access to her birthmommy Megan has helped show Jameson's birthparents that this is not something in which to be completely ashamed.  Our goodbyes yesterday were "see you laters."  Our prayer is that Jameson's birthfather will also be ready emotionally to meet us at some point.  You can pray to that end.

But for now, we are so, SO happy for a wonderful beginning point with the birthmother.

And words cannot describe how much we are so, SO thankful to her and for her.

at one month...

Just for kicks, here was Caroline at one month:



Jameson, at one month...


(I couldn't help using this picture- I love the expression!)

• you weigh 7 lbs 12 oz (only the 10-25th percentile!  little guy!)
• you are 21" long
• you are eating around 3 oz. every two to three hours... around the clock...

• you love to snuggle up and you're as cozy as can be
• you do NOT like baths or being cold
• you like a pacifier, but Mommy's caught you trying to suck your thumb a few times...

• most of the time I think you like your sister holding you, except when she's always kissing you when you're trying to sleep...
• in your short life, you have not felt so well!  Thankfully now you're feeling better, but you're also having some reflux issues, too.  We are hoping that's mostly due to what the antibiotic is doing to your little bitty tummy.  (poor guy!)
• Because of your reflux, we keep you propped UP.  You sleep in a bouncy chair or your car seat at night.

• Today your little gaze discovered Mommy's face and Caroline's face and you SMILED at us, just for a brief second!  You don't know how much joy that second brought to our hearts.  
• When you wake up, you are ready to EAT!  And you will let everybody know it!
• You are quite the noisy little sleeper at night.  Sometimes Mommy and Daddy will just crack up at a sound you make.

• You are loved more than you'll ever know.

placing a child...

Tuesday morning, Marc and I will load up Jameson in the car.  We'll drop Caroline off at preschool,  and we'll drive about an hour or so away where we'll meet Jameson's birthmom for the first time.

Wow!

I didn't think this day would come so quickly.  I mean, it was only one month ago that I, at the very last minute, was going to be presented along with three other families for this birthmother to select her child's adoptive family.  And initially at that time, she and the birthfather had planned never to meet the family, thinking a closed adoption would be easier to handle emotionally for them.

But God, in His rich mercy, began working on their hearts even as they flipped through the pages of our family's profile to consider us.  As their eyes glanced across the pictures of Caroline smiling in the arms of her birthmommy Megan at age 3, they pondered to one another, "Well, maybe it wouldn't hurt to meet them just one time..."

Little did anyone know that she would go into labor THAT afternoon, just after selecting our family!  (and we had yet to hear ANY of this until the next day, you understand...)  The caseworker tells us that shortly after the birth, they were already thinking of us.  "I'm sure they're wondering how he's doing," "Maybe we should call them," etc. etc.  Though that phone call never logistically worked out, what we're getting on Tuesday FAR outweighs a phone call: a face-to-face meeting with Jameson's birthmother!

No birthmother who makes an adoption plan for her child can anticipate how she will feel upon relinquishment of her child.  Even with all the adoption counseling in the world, is there anything that can prepare you to say goodbye to your son or daughter?

And so it was in this situation.  She didn't anticipate the depth of grief, the pain of her loss, the agony and heartbreak of letting go.  Perhaps she thought that she'd be able to sign the papers and be done.

But that just isn't how wounds work, is it?

So when the caseworker talked to the birthmother a few weeks ago, she still hadn't cut off her hospital bracelet.  It was perhaps the only thing that still connected her to her son.  She looked through the pictures of him from the hospital every night, and she became eager to see him again.

This time with us.  Praise God!

Though this adoption is not yet considered "open," where we have shared our identifying information, addresses, phone numbers, etc. like we have with Caroline's birthmother, the fact that we are meeting with her now upgrades this to what is called a "mediated" adoption, where our communication (letters, visits, calls, pictures, etc.) will take place through the mediator of the adoption agency.  I don't know where the long-term of this will go... whether we'll ever meet again, etc., but this is where it starts.

And who knows?  Maybe some day she will be reading this very post!  (and if you are, I'll be overjoyed!)  But with each adoption comes unique circumstances, and it would be naive of me to assume that we would have the same exact relationship with Jameson's birthmother as we do with Caroline's birthmother.

Nevertheless, we're so grateful.

Grateful that the birthmom is willing to meet us.
Grateful that I'll be able to tell Jameson about her, what she is like, etc.
Grateful that he will get to see pictures of us all together, to see the plan that the Lord wove together for him, even just HOURS before his birth!  He will see how he was loved and cared for on all sides.

I've mentioned this meeting to some folks, and I can see the confusion and fear that sweeps across their face as they ask the inevitable thought that comes to their mind.  "So, um... she can't get him back, can she?  She can't change her mind, right?"

No.  She cannot legally revoke her relinquishment.  What is done is done.  Though Jameson's last name can't legally be changed until all of our post-placement visits are done (around 6-7 months), you could say that technically he "belongs" to the adoption agency, and they have placed him with us as his guardian.  So I don't carry any fear of losing him whatsoever into this meeting.

But I do carry other fears.  After all, it's a meeting with his birthmom!  It's beyond exciting, but even though I've already "gotten" the baby, there is still much to be nervous about.  Will she like us?  Will we be in person what she saw in us on paper?  Will she feel better about her decision to place Jameson with us after our meeting?  What is she like, and will we connect well?  What if she asks me questions that I'm not really prepared to answer?  Or what if we say the wrong thing or she never wants to meet again?  

And then again, I'm sure she's thinking much the same things.  Will they like me?  What will they think of me placing my baby for adoption?  Will they judge me?  What if they don't like me?  Can they love a black child?  Will they be sensitive to my loss or only think of their joy?  What if I say the wrong thing? What if they ask me something I'm not comfortable sharing?

Of course, we are prepared to go into this meeting with nothing but open arms, heartfelt "thank yous," crying and hugs, pouring out a heaping of love and grace upon her.

She is our son's mother!

While others might look upon her actions with condemnation and judgment, we see her with great respect and value.  We cannot help but love her.

This may be a side note, but I can't resist.  You see, no birthmother here in the U.S. that intentionally makes an adoption plan for her child "GIVES UP" her baby.  (can we, Crazy for Caroline blog readers, pleeeease just make a pact that we'll never, ever use that phrase again in regards to a birthmom-- "giving up her baby"?  Okay, thank you kindly.)

Birthmoms like these don't give up babies.  They PLACE their children in loving families.  They make our wildest dreams come true.  They turn a broken situation into a beautifully redemptive one.  And they do it all through sacrifice of their own desires and dreams.

We love our birthmoms!

And we're looking forward to meeting the birthmommy who lovingly PLACED her precious boy in our family.

jeremiah 29:11...

Jameson David,


"For I know the plans I have for you.


Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.


Plans to give you a hope and a future."


-Jeremiah 29:11

sleepy baby...

The hand must touch the face.

unfit for the calling...

I still cannot believe this is happening to me.  Am I in a dream right now?

Oh, it has been so wonderful to have so many of you (who don't even KNOW us!) rejoicing with us in God's goodness!  I must give a shout out to all the parents at St. Peters in Arlington Heights, IL, (where my sister teaches school) and thank you all for your prayers and excitement for us!

When the first birthmother rejected us just a few months ago, I didn't think any other child could ever live up to that.


Boy, was I wrong.

Each day, I am falling more and more in love with this precious little one that He has entrusted to me!  Dear little Jameson has been nothing but a delight to us, and I don't think I could love any other baby more.  He is MINE.

(Oh, and I'm so relieved to report he is now on the mend!  We can tell by his increased appetite-- he has started eating us out of house and home!  he he)

Little did I know a few months ago that God was calling me to adopt transracially!  I've had such little time to process that- I still can't believe it sometimes when I look down at Jameson's sweet, little chocolate colored face!  Who knew?!?  I mean, the Lord literally changed my heart LESS THAN 24 HOURS before my son was born!!  How beautiful is that?

Thank you, Jesus.

You have written a more beautiful story than anything I could've dared to dream.

The idea of transracial adoption feels so new and foreign to me.  I know plenty of families who have done it, but I just didn't think I'd be joining the ranks!

And then I look back, and I see how all along He was bringing the pieces slowly together over many years.  I didn't realize how He was slowly whispering "do not fear" into my anxious, fearful heart.

And He still is.

In all honesty, this is an endeavor for which I feel COMPLETELY unqualified.  After all, what do I know about adopting an african american child?!?  Right now I feel like I have WAY more questions than answers.  I'm afraid I'm going to screw this thing up!  So naturally, I am devouring books on the subject, (in all my spare time...) trying to learn more about how a white girl like me raises a black son in a culture that is inherently racist.

A quick side note: I'm learning that many times, white culture thinks race should be overlooked.  That we should be color blind and raise Jameson without regards to black and white.  And sure, race should never play a part in determining how we treat or value another human being.  But it's only white culture that wants to pretend there's no difference.  But those who aren't white will tell you: there is a HUGE difference.  (more blogging on all that over the next eighteen years, I'm sure...)

In my quiet moments when I'm tempted to think, How am I going to DO this?!?, my mind races to the story of Moses.

How the Lord called him to be transracially adopted.
How his birthmother showed great love and courage as she released him.

 (oh!  By the way, Jameson's birthmother wants to meet us next Tuesday!  We are so excited!!)

How Pharaoh's daughter took him in as if he were her own.
How later in his adulthood, he felt utterly unqualified and afraid to speak before Pharaoh, yet out of all people, God called HIM to do so, and was faithful to him to the end.  


I know He will be faithful to me, too, for He has now given ME a calling to raise and love THIS little boy.

If He had told me that I'd be the mother of a bald girl and a black boy through adoption, I'd have never believed it!  :)

But THAT is the story He has written for me.


And I take it now REJOICING from His hand.

a daddy's love...

a sister's love...

She loves him.

Thank you, God.