the gorilla suit...

I hate death.

Less than 2 months after Marc's father passed away, death showed up again last week.  This time, it suddenly and unexpectedly took the life of one our precious RUF students, Jonathan.

 Jonathan was a larger-than-life character in our group.  No one lived more fully and more passionately than him.

The 10:30pm phone call with the news of his death hit us hard.  Surely it wasn't true.  Marc and I held each other sobbing on the couch.  It was Mother's Day, of all days.  He couldn't be gone.

Marc quickly threw himself in the car and drove to campus to meet our other students who were with Jonathan when he died.  They had spent the day hiking together in the beautiful Blue Ridge mountains.  They had no idea they would be driving back to campus that night with one less passenger in their car.

It is tragic.  It is devastating.  It is difficult to face death, especially when it takes such a young, vibrant life full of potential.  I have to trust that God knows what He is doing even when I don't know what He's thinking.

No one in our group knew Jonathan had cerebral palsy or had a recent history with seizures.  No one in our group knew just how much determination Jonathan had to overcome so many obstacles.   He was truly an inspirational kid.  A joy and delight to know. 

Last May at RUF Summer Conference, Jonathan cracked everyone up when he came out onto a beach filled with 600+ college students wearing a full gorilla costume.   We had no idea where this idea came from, but people couldn't help but snap pictures of this life-size gorilla frolicking on the beach! 

It was a moment our group would never forget. 

At some point after Summer Conference, Jonathan decided he wanted Marc to buy the gorilla costume from him.  Over the course of the year, Jonathan's price kept dropping, and he promised Marc the suit was "one size fits all!"  

Marc never bought the gorilla suit.  But he wished he had.

There is nothing easy about burying your friend in the ground.  Our students are hurting.  His family is hurting.  In 15 years of campus ministry, we've never had a student die.  We weren't prepared, we didn't know what ministry looked like in this type of situation.  Here's what it ended up looking like...

...Alot of crying and alot of hugs.  Crying with students.  Crying with parents who have just lost their son.  Crying alone.  Crying to God.  Crying here and there and everywhere.  

...Asking for help and accepting help when it was offered to us.   We realized pretty quickly it was impossible for normal life to continue, and thankfully that's where others jumped in to help out.

...Opening up our home to anyone who wanted to come, including Jonathan's family.  We ate food that was graciously provided by our church and we sat with one another.  And cried some more.

...Helping his parents pack up his belongings.  And... (cue the tears), they wanted Marc to have the gorilla suit.

After the graveside service, we gave this compilation of memories and pictures of Jonathan from our RUF group to Jonathan's mother and father.

So this week, we're at Summer Conference again.  It was difficult to arrive here with such fresh memories of Jonathan in this place just last year.  

It seemed only fitting that we bring out the gorilla suit in his honor.

 We laughed.  We cried.  

But the gorilla was back on this beach today.

Perhaps it'll be a new Summer Conference tradition...

We know with certainty that Jonathan is with Jesus, and that one day his body will be physically resurrected again.  But for now, we feel death's sting.  

We loved Jonathan.

2015...

I love the end of a year.  If it's been a great year, I love looking back at the wonderful memories.  If it's been a particularly painful year, I enjoy the opportunity to bid it farewell and hope for a better coming year.

2015 carried more ups than downs, and for that we are thankful.

Here's some of the highlights...

The first time back on her bike...

After her fall, broken wrist, AND surgery in 2015, it was a beautiful moment to watch her begin 2015 by conquering her fear and getting back on the bike.

 Pop and Mamie coming to visit

It had been years since my parents had traveled due to my dad's health.  And even though the reason for their visit wasn't a happy one (my grandmother's passing), it meant the world to have them here. 

Sweet Briar's "Closing"

Of the lowest points of our year came when the 114 yr. old Sweet Briar College preemptively announced its closing.  And even though it was ultimately saved and reopened, we lost almost all of our Sweet Briar girls and our staff and dear niece, Callie, through it all.  

1820 house

You might have expected this, but it's becoming our habit when life deals us painful blows to buy a house.  (Some people go for ice cream.  We go for real estate.)  With the sadness and stress of Sweet Briar's closing, we bought this diamond-in-the-rough 1820 house and spent our summer renovating the basement apartment into an amazing rental.  (and at some point, we still have the entire upper house left to do!)

 Her henna tattoo...

I can't explain it, but this was a 2015 moment for me.  It was like looking alopecia in the face and saying You don't define our beauty.  Caroline looked like a princess.  And it was so cathartic to crown that beautiful bald head.

ministry team members spreading out across our house practicing one-on-ones

RUF Ministry team...

With the loss of Callie and most of our Sweet Briar girls who transferred to other schools, this year felt very much like a 1st year for RUF as we moved our meeting location to Liberty's campus for the first time.  But one of the highlights of the year was watching our current ministry team truly begin to grasp what real, honest, messy community and transparency look like as a group, and God is beautifully at work in and through this group of students and our new intern, Taylor.

Day at the farm...

A simple, quiet day in the year, unplugged from technology.  (except the camera, of course) :)   Riding the tractor to the pumpkin patch.  Playing in the corn maze.  Eating a picnic dinner.  It was glorious.

Outer Banks 4x4...

When Caroline found this amazing shell on the first evening of our family vacation to the remote 4x4 area of the Outer Banks, I knew it was going to be an awesome week.

But the wild horses on the beach....

and the dolphins dancing in front of us truly made it MAGICAL.

Cabell St Collective...

Starting a band, Cabell St Collective, and bringing down the house in our first gig was a major highlight of my year.  It served so many purposes beyond the music itself, like loving our city and bringing more culture into it.  (You can "like" us on facebook!  Our next gig is Feb 13th!)

Batman and Wonder Woman...

Halloween is one of our favorite holidays of the year.  We love  the fun of dressing up, of getting out and loving our neighbors, of watching our children receive candy, and the joy of giving out candy at our door.  I've always said Halloween is one of the most Christian holidays of the year!

Christmas Day...

Kids make Christmas awesome.  It makes me so happy to watch them receive and squeal with delight and thankfulness.  

This year, after spending a few days doing Christmas with our South Carolina family, we enjoyed a peaceful Christmas Day as a family opening gifts and playing together.  I was feeling a little insecure at how little I'd actually bought for my kids this year, only to find out one of our supporting churches, Redeemer Pres, showered their missionary families with Christmas gifts this year.  I was moved to tears at their generosity.

Goodbye, 2015.  

Happy New Year to you all!  May God pour out His mercies and grace upon you in 2016.

zoe...

My heart is so heavy right now for a little girl I've never even met.  I'm praying day and night, glued to my email for any piece of news or update.

22-month-old Zoe is the daughter of another RUF campus minister, and when one of us hurts in the RUF family, all of us hurt together.

Zoe is fighting for her life in the ICU a few days after she accidentally bumped over a carafe of boiling water onto her arm, and then contracted a staff infection in the burn as well as some type of terrible virus on top of that.  Over the past few days, her little precious body has mysteriously shut down in order to fight to save her vital organs.  Today, however, things changed and the doctors are claiming Zoe is now "out of the woods."  Numbers are turning around and it looks like she will live!  (the name Zoe literally means LIFE!)

Praise God!  It's amazing how many people across the country have formed an army to storm the throne of God for Zoe!  He hears our prayers.

updates on Zoe will be on facebook under "#prayforZoeSmith"

However, Zoe's got a loooong way to go.  And it's now likely she will lose some of her fingers and toes which have turned black from the loss of blood to her extremities.

My mama heart aches and groans for this little girl and that possibility.  Obviously, if you had to pick between life-without-fingers-and-toes or death, you choose life-without-fingers-and-toes every time.

But still.

No one longs for suffering in their story.  No parent dreams for the Lord to afflict their child.

We've involved our kids in praying for Zoe over the past several days.  Every meal, every bedtime, every time we receive a new update, we are lifting up our requests before the Lord, begging and pleading with Him on Zoe's behalf.

And tonight over dinner, we discussed Zoe's possible future without fingers and toes to Caroline.

Caroline at 22 months

"Let me tell you a story," Marc began telling Caroline.  (I had no idea what he was about to say.) "Back when you were about 22 months old, the same age as Zoe, something happened and you got sick.  Your hair started falling out, you were having lots of stomach problems, and we didn't know what was going on.  We were very scared, and we didn't know if you were going to live.

"But it turned out that God said,
'your daughter is going to live.
She's going to be okay.
But there's just one thing... she's going to have to lose her hair.'

"And that's kinda like Zoe.  It looks like God is saying, 'Zoe's going to live.  She'll be okay.  But there's just one thing... she's going to have to live without something.  In her case, some fingers and toes."

"Yeah," Caroline's wheels were churning.  "But at least she's going to live!"

"When you first lost your hair, I used to pray and ask God to give you your hair back.  But then I realized God had plans for you without hair.  And maybe God has plans for Zoe's life without that part of her body."

Marc thought he was teaching Caroline in that moment.  But really, he was speaking to me.

Because with years of perspective, I can now accept the loss God brought into our life and see it as gracious.  And I PRAY that yeeeeeeears down the road, that will be the case for Zoe's mommy and daddy, too.

But right now there is simultaneous rejoicing and loss.  I'm sure they are feeling the gamut of emotions.  I grieved the loss of my daughter's hair.  I can't imagine what it would've been like to grieve the loss of fingers and toes.

Maybe that's partly why Zoe and her parents are so heavy upon my heart.

My friends, please join me in praying for this precious little girl.  Pray for the doctors who are taking such good care of her around the clock.  Pray for her platelet counts to increase and ask God for a miracle to keep her digits.

But if God wills that this girl lose some of her extremities, let us pray that such a great loss might later reap bountiful blessings as God uses her "zoe," her life, to bring Himself glory.

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord."  Job 1:21

we love this job...

Last weekend, all the RUF's across Virginia joined together for our regional Fall Conference!

The theme of the conference was on prayer, and the speaker was a PCA pastor from northern Virginia.

It was a weekend of relaxing, great teaching,  worship, small groups and connection to other students. 

Small boy.  Big umbrella.

We were in a beautiful spot on the edge of Lynchburg in the mountains, but it literally rained ALL. WEEKEND.

 But that may have been a good thing, actually, because the rain kept the students indoors, allowing plenty of time to hang out and develop/deepen friendships.

Students from 3 of our 4 colleges attended!

It's always good to see the new freshmen come to conference feeling like outsiders and by the end, truly feel a part of the group.

what other song but Heart and Soul, of course...

Caroline and our two piano majors couldn't keep their fingers off the conference center's pianos!

Dad is now HOME!

The GREATEST thing that happened last weekend, though, was thousands of miles away when my Dad, after 54 days in the hospital, was finally discharged to come HOME.

Words cannot express how happy this made me!

 After the weekend, one of our students tweeted, "Fall Conference with Lynchburg RUF was amazing. I've come away feeling closer to God and closer to my RUF family."

We love this job.

be with the ones who are here...

Man, it's hard, but I'm trying to be more intentional about hospitality with our college students these days.  

Since we moved into our historic place downtown last year, I've fallen into the trap of using all kinds of excuses not to invite students over as frequently.

This house doesn't have good "flow" for company.

There's not enough open space for students.

It's just so hard with two little kids in this stage of life.  (now, THAT excuse is true!)

I know my sin of perfectionism doesn't help, either.  Honestly, deep down in my heart, I'd prefer my house look like Pinterest than to open up my place, mess and all, to others.  

I think it took hearing one of our senior RUF girls saying, "Oh, I've never been to your new place!" after we'd lived there AN ENTIRE YEAR for me to realize I needed to get over myself and start the long-lost Christian practice of hospitality. 

the cleanest my living room will ever be after Marc ordered maid service as a gift to me!

Just before the semester started, we bought a church pew removed from an old african american church, placed it where our tv stand used to be, and then we wall-mounted our tv.  We also replaced our oversized loveseat with two chairs, and it's like the entire room opened up and felt ready for COMPANY.  The focus of the room went from "come watch TV," to now "be with the ones who are HERE."

(Speaking of "be with the ones who are here," that's the slogan we put on our cell phone basket we use during our student ministry team meetings.  It's so easy today to be "connected" to hundreds and thousands of people without ever truly connecting to those who are sitting right next to you.)

"Be with the ones who are here" cell phone basket we use during ministry team meetings.

So, the house was ready to practice hospitality.  Now the question was when would we have them over?

When you're a worship director married to a college minister, weeknight evenings together as a family are rare during the semester.

Thankfully we're able to eat dinner together every night as a family, but the calendar is quite full in the evening...

Sunday: RUF ministry team meetings
Tuesday: "family night" with our new intern
Wednesday: worship team practice
Thursday: RUF night
weekends: RUF events

Our family time is so precious and so limited during the semester anyways, so the thought of adding another night to host students for dinner wasn't an option!  We had to get a little creative.

Enter Sunday Supper.

We came up with this idea called "Sunday Supper," and decided we'd invite four students (two from ministry team, two not on ministry team) for dinner each Sunday evening before our ministry team meeting.  Stack two events in one evening!

ministry team members "practicing" doing one-on-ones with one another

We're keeping it easy and preparing the same meal EVERY WEEK- chili in the crockpot and mini cornbread muffins.  I don't really have to think about it much, and since the students are rotating, why should the food?   (After another 6 weeks, maybe we'll be tired of that meal and switch to another one...)

I love how it's becoming part of our family's DNA this semester.  After our Sunday afternoon naptime/rest time, Jameson and Caroline come and help me in the kitchen.  Caroline makes cookies for dessert all by herself now!  Jameson helps me with the cornbread muffins and setting the table while Marc tidies up the house.  We are really enjoying the feeling of working together as a team, and my kids absolutely LOVE when students come over anyways, so for them, it builds their anticipation for the evening.

The thing I'm learning about hospitality is that people don't care about your house.  

Or your food.  

They care about being invited.  

They care about belonging and feeling connected  in the process of spending time together.

As a result, our hearts AND tummies are full.

We're growing relationships.

(Maybe we're even inspiring students toward hospitality themselves.)

face painting each other after Sunday Supper!

Just being with the ones who are here.

weary...

Marc meeting with student small-group leaders

The semester continues.

We're only two weeks in, and so far it's going really well!  Our student ministry team is catching the vision and taking ownership of this group more than we've seen in previous groups.  As we're pouring into them, they're pouring into others, and it's exciting to see the relationships being formed, even among students who would have never been friends ordinarily.

As I'm caring for my children, leading our church worship team, and hosting college students here in Virginia, I suppose things are going pretty well!  But right now, my heart is most definitely in Texas.

After the scare in the ICU, my dad was continuing to recover at a rehab hospital when just a few days ago, his oxygen suddenly dropped dangerously low AGAIN.  He was rushed BACK to the ER, where it appears he's now experiencing rejection issues with his transplanted lung.  At this point, the doctors are treating the rejection with heavy-duty antibiotics and steroids, and hopefully all will respond and he'll be on his way again towards recovery.  But all this throws yet another obstacle in the way of recovering from his knee replacement surgery.

My dad's been in the hospital going on a month now.  At one point, we didn't know if he was going to live.  And then things begin to improve, and we're back to square one again.

I know Dad is physically and emotionally weary.  So is my Mom.  (So am I.)  This keeps going on and on.  Here's a man with numerous post-graduate degrees, and his biggest accomplishment today would be to sit at the edge of his bed for 20 minutes.  It's heartbreaking to hear your usually strong father breaking down crying to you over the phone.  (I know the heavy steroids are contributing to his very real feelings.)   You can pray for his mental and emotional state right now as he just wants to go HOME and all this to go away.

One of my dearest old friends in Texas, Ellen, who herself has experienced a parent with severe medical issues in recent years, blessed our family when she called in and treated us to a FEAST of our favorite indian food last night.  Yummmm! Such a thoughtful and delicious treat.  Thank you for caring for us, my sweet friend!

Thank you to so many of you who have prayed for my family during this past crazy month.

burned out...

If ever there were a metaphor for what life feels like right now, this burnt, ashy tub of Easy Mac in my microwave might just be it!...


It was minutes before the "welcome back" party for our college students last night.  The house was unusually clean.  We were heating up a few leftovers for a quick dinner, and for an easy, crowd-pleasing supplement to the kids' meals, I pulled out a tub of mac n cheese.

"Caroline, I need you to make this while I run upstairs for a few minutes," I said, not thinking twice about my request.  She'd made it at school a million times before.  I heard the microwave begin, and soonafter I heard the front door slam as she and Jameson rushed outside to greet our neighbors, leaving the microwave unattended.

A few minutes later, as Marc and I started downstairs, we immediately smelled smoke.  Suprisingly, no alarms had been triggered. (we'll be fixing that...) "Something's on fire!" I yelled, as we both ran through the billows of smoke throughout our downstairs trying to find the source.  It wasn't until we opened up the microwave to see that pile of clumped-together, charred Easy Mac noodles that everything made sense.  Caroline had forgot to put water in the container before she nuked it for three minutes.

Thankfully, our house didn't go up in flames.

But, nevertheless, what would this mean for our party (a cereal mixer, we were calling it) for all of the college students IN JUST A FEW MINUTES?!?!!!

We threw open all the doors and windows to let the smoke out.  (Ooooh, my type A personality was anything but calm in the moment if you can imagine.)  The smoke began getting to us, though, and it was obvious we couldn't stay inside any longer.  What were we going to do?...

***************************************************

Meet Taylor.  He's from Memphis, and he'll be our new RUF intern for the next two years!  Over the summer, he's worked hard to raise the financial support needed to move here and begin ministering to our college students.  Two weeks ago, he pulled into to Lynchburg and it was a great joy to help him move in and get the new school year started off RIGHT.

 The next morning at church, I started getting texts from my mom during church.

My dad had been recovering from a knee replacement surgery all week, and suddenly, things were taking a drastic turn for the worse.

They're taking Dad to the ER.  He's having trouble breathing.

It looks like Dad's [transplanted] lung has pneumonia, and it's serious.  He's going to ICU.

They're going to have to sedate him and put him on the ventilator (aka life support) because it's getting worse and he's unable to breathe on his own.

My mom was scared.  I was, too.

I hopped on the first plane I could.  

My sister flew out the next day from Chicago.

There's no way to describe seeing your father on life support with a hundred different tubes and lines running to and fro.  

I saw him this way in ICU once before, after his lung transplant two years ago.  That recovery was NO fun, but this time was worse.  And scarier.  He was so lifeless.  And though his body was right before me, he seemed so far away.

(I'll be honest, y'all.  This is very painful to type right now.  I don't want to relive the terrible days I've just experienced.)  

Making our beds in the ICU waiting room

My mom and I camped out in the waiting room of the ICU along with several other families my first night there.  I'll just say it was anything but restful.  

The days slowly passed.  We waited for any piece of new news or information the doctors could give us.  Would he make it?  Would he be okay? 

X-rays were looking worse each day.  Now they were finding blood in the lung.  The doctors weren't reassuring us in the least.  

Though it was a struggle, I decided I wasn't going to put my hope in the "numbers" or even in the doctors.  I knew who ultimately holds my Dad's life in His hands, no matter how things may appear to seem.

And to think, all this started with a routine KNEE surgery, and here we were on life support in the ICU.   Just like the burnt mac'n'cheese in my microwave, this plan was taking a drastic turn from what it was supposed to be.   

Pastor J from our former home church in Dallas 

Can I just say, though, that in the midst of our great sorrow, God provided so much comfort.  

In the midst of what appeared to be endless WAITING, God gave us evidence that He was, indeed, hard at WORK.

Our former church in Dallas sent pastors and elders to visit and pray with us.

We were given opportunity after opportunity to discuss God's faithfulness with several other families in the ICU, and some of them boldly spoke Christ's love and goodness to ME when I needed to hear it.

Hundreds of friends and loved ones across the country were praying for my dad, and for us, and I cannot tell them all "thank you" enough.

A dear, old friend came and brought me some of my favorites.

And you know, there was even something wildly comforting about the Elvis impersonator in the hospital's lobby, too.

Even as he slept on life support, my sister and I read scripture to my dad.  

We held his hand and told him Jesus was holding him.

I'd break down in tears every time I left his side. 

Day after day we waited and watched.

And then one day, the doctor told us, "He's out of the woods."

And we oh-so-cautiously rejoiced.

Bringing my dad out of sedation was quite the challenge.

We all watched and prayed as the doctors made several attempts.

Finally.  FINALLY he was breathing steadily on his own and the tube came OUT.

We were by his side as he literally came to life again.

He was confused and anxious, and obviously had no idea he'd been sleeping for 5 days.

(even a week later, he is still trying to piece together what happened)

It felt like as soon as he was awake enough to say hello, I had to say goodbye.

He had JUST made it into a chair for the first time.  (with lots of help, of course)

It was one of the hardest goodbyes of my entire life.  

It wasn't time to go.  

He still had (and has) a long, long road ahead of him.  (Please continue to pray with me for his ongoing recovery as he's now been transferred to a rehabilitation hospital.)

But I had a hubby who was making grand attempts to keep the homefront alive and functioning.  (And I'll add that our new intern, Taylor, was a HUGE help to our family that week- I am so grateful!)  It was terribly hard for this mommy to miss Caroline's Meet-the-Teacher and her first two days of school.  I needed to get back to my family.

When I flew into DC, these two little faces were BEAMING to see me.  (they absolutely loved it that Daddy let them ride the Metro to pick me up at the airport, too!)

Though it was so sweet to be reunited, I was emotionally torn between two places. 

the staff of Lynchburg RUF, Marc and Taylor

 It probably didn't help that as soon as I landed and my feet hit the ground, I was thrown back into the world of campus ministry and kid's schedules.  

Students were literally spending the night at my house for an overnight ministry team retreat.  There wasn't any time to slow down and process all that had just happened.

 This week, RUF officially begun with our first large group meeting in the prayer chapel on Liberty's campus.  It went really well, with lots of new faces.  I'm really proud of how our student ministry team is really taking on the work of reaching out so far.

hanging out after large group

But it's been a tough start to the semester, for sure.  I'm already a little burned out.  (no pun intended)

I wasn't planning on having a dad in the ICU or a small house fire before our first event at our place, much less a hundred other little things that I haven't mentioned in this post.   

But after moving everything outside to our front yard, and showing the nasty burnt mac 'n' cheese to the students, the party actually ended up being better than it would've indoors anyway!  

Isn't that so often the case in life?  What seemed like such a terrible mistake at the time ended up yielding such good gifts.  What an unending process it is to trust God's crazy plans over own own.  

God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong.

God chose what is low and despised in the world, 

even things that are not, 

to bring to nothing things that are, 

so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.  

-1 Corinthians 1:27-29