tears...

Adoption is beautiful.  

But the road to adoption is often not.  

The journey is filled with tears and grief on all sides.

An unplanned pregnancy brings a new mother tears of confusion.  Tears of shame and rejection.  She cries herself to sleep as she feels a baby kicking within.  A baby she knows she cannot keep.

She cries tears of pain as the baby is born, and tears of love when she holds her baby for the first time.  Tears fall upon the paper documents as she signs the termination of her rights as a parent.  Tears of separation as she says goodbye to a child she'll never raise, even though her post-partum body would beg to differ.   

The tears of a birthmother grieving for her child.

An unexpected infertility brings a couple tears of despair.  Tears of disappointment and confusion.  Tears of jealousy and bitterness as everyone around them announces yet another pregnancy.  They mourn the loss of having their own biological child.  Tears of injustice fall down their faces at every hurdle in adoption-- homestudy, fingerprints, background checks, paperwork, fundraising-- just to be able to be called "Mom and Dad."  

They face tears of disbelief and impatience as they wait.  And wait.  

They meet a birthmother and believe THIS is the one, only to be rejected.  Broken hearted.  The tears never stop flowing.  They grieve and wait some more.  Every day passes by hoping for THE phone call or email that never seems to come.  

And then one day, like a bright ray of light cutting through the darkest of storms, IT COMES.   

These lives intersect.   And suddenly the tears transform.

The birthmother's tears now include tears of relief.  She trusts that her baby will be loved and nurtured in the couple's arms. 

And for the couple, the tears of despair suddenly turn into tears of joy and deep, profound humility for the gift they will be entrusted. 

 There are no words to describe seeing your child for the first time.

Only tears.

 The journey to this moment has been flooded with so many tears,

and as you humbly hold the child of another woman's womb as your own,

you know deep down it's just not fair.

Why must she cry tears of grief while I cry tears of joy?

 It was three years ago this day that we met our sweet Jameson and welcomed him into our family.

 It brings tears to my eyes even today.

I'm reminded of God's faithfulness.

God hears the cries of birthmothers.

He hears the cries of longing couples.

And he hears the cries of an infant who has been taken from one family and placed into another.

 God works through all these tears.
They are not in vain.
And they are not unseen.
And one day, one GLORIOUS day, they will be no more.

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

Revelation 21:4

dreams come true...

In some ways it feels like he can't be 3 years old already.  (Where's my baby boy??)

In other ways, my life is so vastly different now that it hardly seems possible Jameson's only been in the world three years!

But it's true.

My sweet guy turned 3 this weekend.

And all his dreams came true for his birthday:

1.  He wanted an "excavator cake."  (thank you, Nanny, for making that happen!)

2.  And he wanted an excavator.  (thank you, Mamie!)

It was a whirlwind of a trip down to South Carolina and back in 24 hours, but Jameson wouldn't have wanted to celebrate any other way than with his cousins at Nanny's house. 

make a wish!

And celebrate we DID.

Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,
happy birthday, dear Jameson,
happy birthday to you!

When it came time for cake, cousin Elijah had a better way to eat it.

Ha ha ha ha!

 Caroline sewed this sweet tool belt for Jameson by herself.

(She's been taking sewing lessons with a dear older woman in our church each week.  Great job, CC!)

 And what three year old boy wouldn't love swords and more swords... diggers and more diggers...

 But here was the only thing he wanted in the world:

an excavator he could actually work.

So Mamie got him a remote-controlled excavator, and all his dreams came true.  

I had the idea to dump some dry rice in a tupperware container so he could actually do some scooping.

HEAVEN. ON. EARTH. for Jameson.


(I'll pat myself on the back for that fleeting moment of motherhood brillance...ha!)

 Marc's father, "Papa," is sadly suffering with blindness and dementia.  Mr. Randy has blessed our family with his faithful and tender care of Papa now for a few years.  

Each time we visit, Jameson wants to jump in to help Papa in different ways.  My sweet boy.

Jameson, little did we know you'd be a part of our family.

But now we can't even fathom it without you.

We loved watching your birthday dreams come true this weekend.

But YOU, my son, are surely the dream come true.

super hero halloween.

It's one of our favorite holidays of the year.

And this year, it was a super hero Halloween.

And boy, did they get into character!

It was the first year that Jameson truly understood trick-or-treating, and it was MAGICAL.  After he visited each house, he would come up to me and say, "I say 'thank you'!  Mommy, can we go to anudder house?"  After I said yes, he'd take off RUNNING, his cape flying behind him.

You know, I will praise my neighborhood every other day of the year, but on Halloween night, it is pretty pathetic.  We see Halloween as one of the best nights of the year for a neighborhood!  It's like a huge neighborhood block party of sorts-- an opportunity to visit with neighbors!  A chance to be Christian and love your (literal) neighbor!

But I think I counted 4 porch lights on TOTAL?!  Maybe that's partially a result of living in a neighborhood with poverty?  No one turns their light on anymore because they know kids don't trick-or-treat here.  Sure, we've got kids here, but my neighbor who's lived on the street for 40 years told me they all go up to the wealthy neighborhoods where there's an abundance of candy.  Honestly, looking at dark house after dark house, I can't blame them!

Some neighbors left the 'hood to attend church events.  Some were attending other functions in town.  

But the few houses that had their lights on?  We thanked them.  My kids were so happy for them.  One house waited for us to come before turning their light off.  They remembered us from last year and knew we'd be back.  Hopefully we're setting some kind of precedent?  We have hopes that it can improve each year...

But since we anticipated our neighborhood's Halloween anemia, we drove across town to our former neighborhood to continue a tradition of trick-or-treating with Caroline's friend, Leah!

Speaking of tradition... look at these girls each Halloween past...

Caroline & Leah, age 1

Caroline & Leah, age 2

Caroline & Leah, age 3

Caroline & Leah, age 4

Caroline & Leah, age 5

Caroline & Leah, age 6

Caroline & Leah, age 7

It's so crazy how big these girls now are.  How fast time flies. 

Somehow I thought they'd be little and giggly forever.

Happy super hero Halloween!

little pig, little pig...

seven year old guest blogger: blue ridge parkway fun...

Hi, everybody! This time our fun adventure is in...THE MOUNTAINS!!!! Our journey is with another family, too. This is a pretty picture of the mountains. It was a beautiful peek over the ground and this is the perfect time of year to go because the leaves are changing colors and the weather is perfect, too.

Jameson, Jackson, Maggie, and me are taking a fun kids picture near the side of the mountain. It's a great place to take a picture. There are several overlooks and we took pictures at two places.

Woooo! Slow down! You're pulling me over! Hey, Jameson! You could pull us all over. Watch it! Watch it! You totally could pull us off the mountain and make us die! Well, if I was dead, I would not be writing this blog.

 

Family picture time! Mommy, me, and Jameson! Love my family! SO MUCH! I love having a little brother (who is quite annoying and funny) and he is the silliest in my family besides Daddy.









Mrs. Kelsey and Jackson are having a fun time in the mountains together and all fun is going well!

Mrs. Kelsey and Jackson and Maggie are not getting all the family fun. So sorry Maggie has her face down, Mrs. Kelsey commented. Maggie had her face down because she did not want me making a silly face at her.

OH! Such a beautiful sight of the daylight! We went down to the lake and we took the Parkway path to this lake near the Peaks of Otter.  Lake in sight, bushes and trees in sight! Why not just head up there? Such a WONDERFUL sight! Fish also in the lake!

Now starring me, Jackson, Jameson, and Maggie, sitting on a turned over boat. Well, what a nice place to sit! Oh, such a jolly place to sit when you need a picture! And right behind you....BOO! A lake! Not so scary, but the lake waves went boo. Hey, no waves!

Oh     my     gooshness. (Gooshness is a weird word meaning gosh AND goodness.) Is this your favorite kind of berry? Red, ripe, and oh so pretty! It's not really my favorite. What is your favorite kind of berry? My favorite kind of berry is the pink kind. DO NOT EAT THESE BERRIES ! That was officially an alert when you go up the mountain. It's okay to pick and hold them but DO NOT EAT THESE BERRIES! Again, that was an alert when you go up the mountain.









We had fun picking the berries. I am not going to tell the secret that will come up in one of the next pictures.

Well, now you really can get to see the berries up close. They are red, ripe, and pretty! There was one berry that was bad on one of the sides and I tried to turn that one so you all couldn't see it.

Well well. The secret I was not going to spoil. The fish! There were 5 King fish in the lake I counted but there might've been more that we couldn't see. And the funnest part was when we got to feed the berries to the fish. (I already told you about that part so don't ask me again.) Ha! Well, they sort of nibbled the berries, but never actually ate the berries. We were so excited that we didn't even notice they weren't eating the berries.

Me, Maggie, and Jameson all LOVED the fish that we all just hung around the bridge and almost never wanted to go get ice cream. Who would never want to get ice cream?

 We drove to the Country Store and got PEACH ICE CREAM.

Well, the grownups enjoyed it too! Maybe the kids had a tad more fun than the grownups, but we all had a good time at the Blue Ridge Parkway. Mommy and Mrs. Kelsey are best friends and love being together. Me and Maggie are best friends, plus Jameson and Jackson are best friends, too.

Well, Happy Halloween! (I forgot to put that part at the beginning) Ha. VA is such a wonderful place to live, with the mountains. (sorry if you do not live in VA)  Bye!

perfectionism and comparison...

I'll be honest.  This post might come across as somewhat snarky and raw.  I usually try to be so careful and measured in my words, but today it's just going to blurt itself out, and I'm gonna try not to worry so much about how it will be received as you read it.

I've had alot on my mind lately.  And until today, I didn't know how to put it all into words until Marc  mentioned a sermon he'd read yesterday.  In it, it said something about the two biggest sins women tend to struggle with (on a whole) are perfectionism and comparison.

And as soon as he said that, it put words onto tensions I've been internally fighting without even realizing it.

Perfectionism and comparison.

That's pretty much my life.

I've been thinking how I take my cues in womanhood from comparing myself to others.  I'm not like these women, I'm not like these other women.  Without intending to, I've created an ideal for myself, and I'm tormented by the ways I'm "failing" this ideal and the guilt and shame it causes me.

For some weird reason, it all surfaces for me in women's Bible studies.  I can hardly do them.  Maybe this is just what I've experienced, and it isn't true everywhere.  But I struggle with comparison the minute I hit the door and the house is perfectly cleaned and freshly-baked, gluten free, dairy free, organic, paleo-approved cookies are waiting for me.  (of course I've exaggerated, but do you get the idea?)

All the ladies, including me, are seemingly put together on the outside, and for the next hour and a half we'll talk about spiritual things to encourage one another... and share all of our childbirth stories, I might add.  (As an infertile woman, I honestly don't get why this subject has to come up so often in groups of women.)  The conversation rarely breaks down beyond the mask of smiles and nice platitudes.  It often doesn't touch the mess of my life.  The mess that's strewn across my living room floor.  The mess that's residing and multiplying in my heart, even in the moment!

I'm realizing there are just so many barriers (aka perfectionism and comparison) that keep me from feeling free to be myself.  I feel different from other Christian women around me. (I've got a bald daughter and a black son through adoption.  Isn't that alone enough to make me feel different?)  And it keeps me from entering into real relationships.

I'm grateful I've had the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom.  For many women, there's no other option financially.  But lemme tell you, it's harder than anything I've done.  It tests me in ways I never knew it would.  I'm afraid to even type it because of the overwhelming guilt I feel to admit it, but I'm not enjoying it right now.  Whew.  That was really hard to admit.

I guess I want to be some kind of Supermom.

And, sinfully, I want you to think I'm a Supermom, too.

I love my kids, I love my kids, I love my kids, I love my kids, I love my kids.

But I'm struggling to like the stay-at-home mom-thing right now.

We've been having some issues with Caroline finishing her work at school in two minutes flat.  She's reading on the level of a fifth or sixth grader in second grade.  I'm working with her teacher on ways to supplement and enrich her education while the other kids are completing their assignments, especially since we're paying for private school.  It's made me briefly consider the option of homeschooling in recent weeks, (this is where all the homeschooling moms yell "YES!  DO HOMESCHOOL!") YET it has more than confirmed I am not a homeschooling mom.  (Can I please say I have mad respect for those of you who do?  You are amazing and I have no idea how you do it.  And enjoy it.)

But that's not who I am.  And I can't do it.  ("Yes you can, Amy!" you say.)  
I can't.

In the Christian community, I feel shameful even admitting these things.  I'm sure every mom goes through times just like this.  I feel like I lose points in the comparison game if I'm not staying home.  And making homemade play dough for my kids.  And filling their bellies with perfectly nutritious meals and snacks with a smile on my face each day.  Do you get what I'm saying?

Every woman makes choices for her family, and I happen to think what's "best" doesn't always look the same in every family.  But I've obviously gotten some kind of ideal standard in my own head that I myself am not even able to live up to!

Is this the guilt that working moms feel?  Maybe I'm actually a working mom in the body of a stay-at-home mom...

I think I need to preach to myself the freedom of the Gospel.

I need to remember that Jesus adopted me as His daughter, and His love for me and His approval of me doesn't depend upon me being Supermom.  It doesn't mean I have to stay home or I have to homeschool.  It doesn't mean I have to lose ten pounds or keep my house tidy.  

His approval is worth FAR more than anyone else's.  Even my own.

the magic of unplugging...

He would've stayed here ALL DAY.

We found a new, off-the-beaten-path pumpkin patch, Dark Leaf Farms, this year.

(I don't think I'll ever go to another one again!)

No crowds.  Tons of activities for the kids.  Adults were free.  Kids were $10 each, and that included a free pumpkin of any size.

We started off in the "front yard" of the farm, and I literally had to peel Jameson away from these diggers kicking and screaming.

hayride

We decided to turn the phones off and leave 'em in the car.  We only carried my camera and the picnic we packed for dinner.

The afternoon felt so magical to be completely PRESENT as a family.  Unplugged.

tire swing

She pulled out some corn!

Jameson, almost 3 years old

Caroline, age 7 1/2

She picked this big one for our front porch.  

my girl

love them

Enthralled with the excavator...

Barrel ride

Tunnel Slide

How cool are these carts?

What a nearly perfect day with the three people I love most.