the slowness of recovery...

I just read over my last blog post.  Though there's likely a few more things accomplished on the River House, every word typed then still applies fully to this day.

It's hard, you guys.

Life isn't settling down into any sense of "normal" yet.  We wonder if and/or when it ever will. 

It's day to day.  We focus on what needs completing this day, and we're succeeding if we can do that.

There's layer upon layer to our current stage of suffering.  There's physical, material/financial, emotional, and relational suffering.  There are large looming questions of belonging and identity for us as a family.

Wounds are trying to scab and scar.  Many days, they still feel very fresh and raw.

And you know, it's all capsizing upon us as we're entering into what we're calling "new life."  Maybe we thought "new life" would be bliss.   

My therapist tells me this will get better.  But the chapter is so long, the path is so dark that it honestly feels like it might never change. 

(Sorry, this post does not contain much hope.  That's just where I am in the journey.)

I'm tired of reaching out, tired of asking for help.  This isn't resolving in 2 weeks.  There's no easy fix.  No one wants suffering, but we really don't want suffering (for ourselves or others) that lingers on and on.

I feel as though I can't even trust my brain right now.  One day I'm convinced of one thing, and the next, I'm convinced of the opposite.  My mom always told me we don't make big decisions when we're upset in the moment, so I'm learning to take one day at a time.  One step even. 

I don't have to have all things figured out.  I just have to focus on this day.

It's so timely that Brene Brown's new book is entitled, "Braving the Wilderness: the Quest for True Belonging."  I'm reading it (well, listening to Brene read it to me) as if it were written directly to me. Where do I truly belong?  With whom do I truly belong?   (I'm thinking more broad spectrum along the lines of identity, culture, race, faith, politics, etc.)

Just as this home renovation is taking FOREVER, so does healing and recovery from "old life" to "new life." 

I'm looking for people who can walk down this crazy, windy journey with me.  People who are truly "safe" and can be trusted to love the unlovely parts of me.  People who are committed to me and my recovery.  People who want to understand and ask good questions.  People who are okay if I'm in process.

If I question.  If I cry.  If I say stupid things.  If I'm just a hot mess. 

And who understand it takes a long, long time.

God is most definitely at work through this suffering, but the process is slow and so painful.