Friday, July 11, 2014

when it's hard...

Lest anyone gets the idea that parenting is glamorous, can I just say motherhood is HARD?!!?!!!!

I don't have to provide all the disclaimers of how much I love my children, right?
You already know all that.

I look at their faces and I'm beyond grateful for how God brought them into our family.
But today?  (and yesterday, and the day before that...) It's been hard.  The screaming.  The talking back.  The trashing of the house behind me while I'm cleaning up something else.  The slamming doors.  The tantrums.  The disobedience.  The constant neediness and ungratefulness from both of them.


I think of Marc, who goes to work, gets PAID, sits at a desk or coffee shop.  He meets people out for lunch or coffee and has ADULT CONVERSATION.  He works very hard, and he, too, is exhausted at the end of the day.

I DON'T get paid, and my job is anything but quiet and calm.  I get kicked and insulted.  Yesterday a frisbee was accidentally thrown in my face.  I clean up disgusting poop and I attempt to keep the four of us fed, laundered, and ALIVE.  It feels like I'm under a constant pressure cooker- it's so tempting and easy to snap back and to lose it.  (And then when I do lose it, I'm plagued with guilt and so fearful of the damage I've done to our relationship.)

At the end of the day, I, too, am exhausted.  But even more than that, I feel angry and disrespected.  Like I'm doing all I can do, and it's still not enough.

You with me, mothers of little ones?

 It's times like these I lose the joy and motivation in motherhood.  It's also these times that provide a good kick-in-the-pants to figure out what kind of changes need to be made, or what kind of support I need to get through the day.

Caroline asks me in my moments of impatience "is it hard being a mom?"

Yes.  Yes it is.  But I also love being a mom, too.

So today we're making changes.  We're tightening up and adding more structure to our lives, and it's already helping.

You can pray to that end.  You can pray that I won't screw my children up SO bad that their future therapist won't know how to help them. :)


And pray that the joys of stay-at-home-motherhood would return.

5 comments:

  1. oh my gosh it is hard so so hard amy. keep up the good work my friend

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    1. Thank you- I know you understand! :)

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  2. We all need structure in our lives. That makes us more secure. Knowing someone cares and wants us to behave in a way that meets the approval of those in authority. There is always those over us in authority. I pray for you and that God will give you wisdom to make the right decisions. It's harder to do the right thing than to just let it go. But in the long run, doing the right thing is the best way. May God bless you as you do the right thing. Not the easiest, but the best.

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  3. I hate computers. I had typed out a long response and then it blanked away when I went to sign in...uggh....anyway, I appreciate your honestly and vulnerability. This is def the hardest gig I have ever had! As someone who lives in a lot of chaos herself, I'd love to know what are some of the structures you put into place! I also highly recommend MOPS - not your typical women's group - but other people who just "get it" and are willing to walk alongside you in the mess...if you'd like at all to get connected, just let me know - it def helped me over the last year. You are doing a GREAT job, Mama! The One who orders our world gave YOU (&Marc!) these two precious blessings...very hard to remember in the midst of the mess and screaming, but a comforting truth nonetheless.....

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    1. Thanks, Mary Lee. I've heard good things about MOPS! May be something I'll keep in mind for the future! As far as the structures, it wasn't anything too fancy and hasn't affected the messy house- we just came up with a consequence system (and ahem, are actually enforcing it...) that also has a reward system built into it. The days have still been challenging, but they've gotten MUCH better now that she's more clear on what is expected, what will happen, and how she can earn some ice cream! :)

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