Nothing's officially wrong today. I just feel down.
Maybe it's a lack of routine from a week off of school and church due to all the snow. Maybe it's a lack of exercise or a lack of sleep. Maybe it's hormones.
Blame it on whatever. But today I'm weary and struggling. I'm overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and I'm crying out to the Lord.
Jesus is good. But my heart will just not be satisfied today.
I wish my child would nap when he's supposed to and for that matter, sleep in his own bed instead of mine.
I wish for a friend to come alongside me and just sit and talk. I wish my love language weren't time, because it seems like a commodity no one has any of which to give.
I wish for a community where people could be real, and honest, and full of struggles and doubts. A safe place where it's okay to not be okay.
I wish for a world where my loved ones didn't suffer with dementia and almost constant complications from a lung transplant.
I wish I had a mom to take care of me instead of me being the mom to take care of everyone else.
I wish life was a little more exciting and a little less ordinary.
I wish Christians in my town weren't so conservative and judgmental. I wish they could see that God is WAY more liberal than they can imagine, and to be "Christian" doesn't mean to look like them.
I wish I had balance. And discipline. And a desire to stop eating junk.
I wish I didn't feel so plagued with anxiety. I wish for peace within. I wish I could find a good counselor in my small town and that Christians wouldn't react uncomfortably when I say that.
I wish children weren't neglected and women weren't objectified. I wish my son could stay young and cute and we'd never have to face the day when he'll automatically be perceived as suspicious.
I wish I was doing more. I wish I was making a bigger difference.
I wish my children would just do what I tell them to do. I wish I didn't feel the strong need to control and I wish Jesus would help me be quicker to offer mercy and grace.
I wish Jesus would comfort the broken hearted and bring justice to those who perpetrate wicked against the innocent.
I wish I could age with confidence and hope instead of fear and dread.
And I wish dinner would cook itself.
A friend shared this today - a quote from Chesterton, and I have been thinking of it all day. Maybe it will encourage your heart toward the ordinary - I say the same prayer for myself. Keep fighting for all of these things you write about.
ReplyDelete“Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "Do it again"; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening, "Do it again" to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.” G.K. Chesterton
I could write a lot of these words too. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus and nothing else.
ReplyDeletePraying for comfort today.
I have found that gratitude for where I am, who I am, what I am, what I am doing and why I am needed and why God loves me, helps me to overcome these same questions and desires everyday.
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