Wednesday, May 7, 2014

a look back, part 2...

...continued from part 1, excerpts from my personal journal as Caroline's hair was falling out.

3/11/10  (upon beginning Caroline on a gluten free diet in hopes that her hair would return)

Will this even help?
I am doubtful before I begin,
but I'll try nonetheless.
Will she ever be dark and full
with curls and bows again?
It breaks my heart to look at pictures
My girl is not the same
Though I love her more now.
Struggling more with MY own demons
Keep trying.
Keep failing.
When will it get easier?
When will it be a memory?
What will get me through now?
I don't think this is celiac,
but everyone else does.
Can't see how food will bring her back
to who she once was.
I doubt it.
But at least I'm doing
which is so much better than sitting.
Wish I could just relax and trust.
It's all up to me.  Or so I think.
So it goes in my head.
God, I am dependent.
Give us this day our daily bread,
but please don't let it have gluten in it.

Went to Chic-Fil-A today.  So hard emotionally to see all the "Target" moms, where everything is so easy: pop open milk, go get the hot food for their kids (who are, of course, kids with full heads of flowing hair), while mine eats a cold hot dog and potato letter fries that I made before leaving the house.  It is so hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself.

10/31/10 (after months of nutritional therapy of no gluten, no dairy, no soy, etc.)

I am so confused.
I don't know what to do
or know who to trust anymore.
On one side, I've got mainstream people
saying to take her for more testing and treatment.
On the other, I've got people at church giving me
homemade kefir and special supplements.
I understand the idea, but look,
my kid has no HAIR, okay?
I don't have time to wait around
for these alternative probiotics to start working.
It hurts to hear that I need to do MORE-
I have been doing everything I possibly can!
Why do I have to be a mom and a chef
and a nutritionist and a doctor?

I go through such drastic peaks of faith
as well as anxiety and unbelief.
Some days I see the Gospel clearly
and feel God's hand guiding us.
Other days, even hours later,
I feel God is so distant and uninvolved,
and it's up to me to know which treatment to pursue.
I realize I make Caroline's health and idol,
but I don't know what else to do.
I want her to be healthy.
(What mom doesn't want that for her child?!??)
But am I wanting too much?
God, do You want something else?
Obviously You do.
But I don't like that.

I don't want to have the job of mending
Caroline's broken heart in the day
she realizes she doesn't have hair.
I don't want that day to come.
I don't want her to know the sting
of hurtful words or laughs,
especially over something she cannot control.
I don't want her to be the "only" one, the "different" one.
I don't know how God could spare 
the LIFE of His own son
when I want to do everything I can 
just to keep her from getting teased.

A pink hat, pink pants,
and a t-shirt with a sparkling heart on it,
and you're gonna call her "little fellow"?
It is literally almost EVERYTIME we go out!
If I hear one more person mistake her for a boy,
I might scream.
For that reason, we don't wear blues and greens
We wear PINK.  Almost constantly.
God, I guess I just want Your will to be mine.
I want You to serve my purposes, 
and not the other way around.
I say I want my daughter healthy
and to have hair,
but sometimes it is more about
wanting a life of ease, free of pain.
Help me to grasp the depths of Your plans for us:
for Caroline, and for me.
I don't know what You have for her.
I am plagued with wondering,
will she ever have hair?
What will she look like in kindergarten?
5th grade?  As a teenager?
As a bride?
What will her life look like?
How long will all of "this" last
and does it ever end?

to be continued...

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