not today...

If the adoption journey could be compared to the reality tv show, The Bachelor, I am now the crying, bumbling idiot at the end of the show who didn't get picked and didn't even see it coming.  Just like that girl, I'm bawling because I thought we legitimately had a connection with this birthmom.  We really liked her.

And she picked the other family.

Our social worker said our interview was great, that we were the Marc & Amy she knew and appreciated.  That there was nothing we could have or should have done differently.  That there were connection points with both families.  That it was a difficult decision.  But there was "more natural chemistry in the other interview," so she did not select our family.

Stop time there.  She did WHAT?

(It's only been a couple of hours since we got the news, so what you're about to read is some of my raw, unedited reactions to this situation as I write to try to process what's happening in my head.  Bear with me...)

Upon hearing this, I instantly lost it.  Like someone had died.  Or something had died.  The intensity of my reaction even surprised myself.  I didn't know it would feel this disappointing.  I didn't realize how much I thought this was the one!

I know it's only been a week since we've known about this baby, but oh, your mind runs a thousand directions a minute when the adoption rollercoaster gets going!  And when it's just down to the possibility of you or someone else having a baby in ONE MONTH???  I've got to get going!  I've got to do this, and this, and this, and this, because this baby's COMING!

But now this baby's not coming.  My heart is so heavy.

We had a first name picked out with the birthmom.  It's wierd to think he'll still have that name.  But he won't have ours tacked onto the end.  In the scenarios of adoption, this one was really high up there.  Things seemed perfect.  We were so hopeful.

I just don't understand it.   I know I'm just in shock.

Her rejection of us brings up every feeling of insecurity imaginable.  Were we not good enough?  What did we say or do wrong?   Was Caroline's alopecia a factor afterall?  What was so great about the other family?  Will God ever bless us with a baby again?  Why does He bless everyone else with children except me?  What is wrong with me?  How can hundreds of people across the world be praying for us so fervently, and then she just picks them?  It just feels so unfair.

And yet we knew about this part of the adoption rollercoaster.  We've heard all about it before.  We have friends who have ridden these low points before, only to end up with another adoption down the road.  Why wasn't I more prepared for this turn in the ride?  Can you prepare yourself for this turn in the ride?  Maybe I'll know for next time.

In my head, I know the right answers about the future.  I know that God will use this, perhaps even to bring us to another baby down the road, but I'm just not feeling that tonight.  Right now, I just need some time to be sad and grieve.  Right now I'm not as interested in thinking about how God's going to bring another baby out there to me.  I wanted this one.  Next month.

But there's also much to be thankful for today.

Today I'm thankful for the "I love you's" and the "I'd pick you's."

Today I am thankful for the comforting hugs from a friend and a pizza that showed up on my doorstep within an hour of my news.  (now that's how you love me...)

Today I'm thankful for friends who came and took Caroline out for a good time so Marc and I could weep and process together alone.  Today I'm thankful for your prayers for peace and comfort.

And maybe tomorrow I will be able to think more clearly towards a different future that God has for our family.

(I guess this also means we're officially "on the market" again, so if any of you know about a pregnancy situation around you that has the potential for adoption... well, please let us know... although I need a good night's sleep before I'll be ready to hop back onto this rollercoaster again... whew...)

Even with all of the ups and downs, twists and turns, I know adoption is God's thrilling plan for our family.

Someday.

Just not today.