I struggled for years, praying to God to one day have children of my own.
And here I am. It's hard.
I suppose it would be easier if being a mom was all I "did."
But it's not.
I'm a campus minister's wife, and trying to be an involved one at that. I desire to do more than I'm able to, and I'm frustrated.
I'm a part-time worship director at our church.
I'm reaching out in my neighborhood. I'm ministering to a poor family.
I'm a chef. I'm a maid. I'm a chauffeur. I'm the take-care-of-everything person.
I offer to help someone with this and someone else with that.
I'm the one that sees to it things get done.
And I'm tired.
And I'm still not able to do all that I want to be able to do.
The problem lies when the things I want to do, the people I want to help
cause the rest of my life to fall apart.
I honestly feel trapped within motherhood right now.
It feels like climbing a mountain just to get groceries. It feels like I can't get out, and I'm imprisoned to the schedules of naps and school. I'm limited by what I'm able to do by the necessity to procure childcare. (which I hate doing) It feels like there will never be peace and quiet, or a meal without food covering the floor again. It feels like I'll never get a date with my husband where I'm not watching the clock and feeling the guilt of the babysitting tab I'm racking up.
How do people do it? Am I wishing for too much?
I don't have a mom here. I don't have any help "built in."
I don't have an endless check book, either.
I don't know when wanting help turns into needing help anyway.
Pardon the venting.
It'll be okay.