Sunday, May 9, 2010
girls wear pearls...
For a woman who struggled with years of infertility, it was literally the most dreaded day of the year for me. And THEN, for a woman who was given the BEAUTIFUL gift of a baby through adoption, it became a sweet day to remember God's goodness and faithfulness to me.
This year, for a woman who is in the midst of a daily struggle to figure out & improve my daughter's health, Mother's Day is a little bit of a mixed bag.
On one hand, these are the BEST days of my entire life! Oh, I couldn't imagine my life without this sweet little GIRL holding my hand, calling me "mama," and squeeeeezing me so tight I can't breathe sometimes! God has bestowed me with the most amazing & joyful little daughter, and I am SO proud to call sweet Caroline my own. Being her MOM is the best thing that ever happened to me.
On the other hand, the past 6 months have been some of the HARDEST of my life, too. I look at the pictures of last Mother's Day and weep. I miss that girl. Honestly, as irrational as it is, I struggle with feeling responsible for what has happened to her, and for not being able to "fix" it. As I am consumed with doctor's visits, elimination diets, and just wondering what else I can DO, being a MOM is just plain tough. I feel like I am giving everything I have, but still failing.
But I have a gal who convinces me otherwise every day as she looks up to me as her everything.
Various friends have reminded me that in God's plan, He already knew what was going to happen to Caroline before she was ever born. And He wanted ME(!?) to be the one to walk her through it. In His good providence, He wanted ME(!?) to be the one to care for her in this. Megan, it was good to hear you say that all of this has confirmed your decision to place Caroline with us, not questioned it. God knew what He was doing all along. I am humbled and full of awe when I remember that He has called ME(!?) to love, serve, teach, and protect HER, both in the fun times and the hard ones, too.
And this Mother's Day, I couldn't be more grateful to have that privilege.