Tuesday, December 4, 2012
unfit for the calling...
I still cannot believe this is happening to me. Am I in a dream right now?
Oh, it has been so wonderful to have so many of you (who don't even KNOW us!) rejoicing with us in God's goodness! I must give a shout out to all the parents at St. Peters in Arlington Heights, IL, (where my sister teaches school) and thank you all for your prayers and excitement for us!
When the first birthmother rejected us just a few months ago, I didn't think any other child could ever live up to that.
Boy, was I wrong.
Each day, I am falling more and more in love with this precious little one that He has entrusted to me! Dear little Jameson has been nothing but a delight to us, and I don't think I could love any other baby more. He is MINE.
(Oh, and I'm so relieved to report he is now on the mend! We can tell by his increased appetite-- he has started eating us out of house and home! he he)
Little did I know a few months ago that God was calling me to adopt transracially! I've had such little time to process that- I still can't believe it sometimes when I look down at Jameson's sweet, little chocolate colored face! Who knew?!? I mean, the Lord literally changed my heart LESS THAN 24 HOURS before my son was born!! How beautiful is that?
Thank you, Jesus.
You have written a more beautiful story than anything I could've dared to dream.
The idea of transracial adoption feels so new and foreign to me. I know plenty of families who have done it, but I just didn't think I'd be joining the ranks!
And then I look back, and I see how all along He was bringing the pieces slowly together over many years. I didn't realize how He was slowly whispering "do not fear" into my anxious, fearful heart.
And He still is.
In all honesty, this is an endeavor for which I feel COMPLETELY unqualified. After all, what do I know about adopting an african american child?!? Right now I feel like I have WAY more questions than answers. I'm afraid I'm going to screw this thing up! So naturally, I am devouring books on the subject, (in all my spare time...) trying to learn more about how a white girl like me raises a black son in a culture that is inherently racist.
A quick side note: I'm learning that many times, white culture thinks race should be overlooked. That we should be color blind and raise Jameson without regards to black and white. And sure, race should never play a part in determining how we treat or value another human being. But it's only white culture that wants to pretend there's no difference. But those who aren't white will tell you: there is a HUGE difference. (more blogging on all that over the next eighteen years, I'm sure...)
In my quiet moments when I'm tempted to think, How am I going to DO this?!?, my mind races to the story of Moses.
How the Lord called him to be transracially adopted.
How his birthmother showed great love and courage as she released him.
(oh! By the way, Jameson's birthmother wants to meet us next Tuesday! We are so excited!!)
How Pharaoh's daughter took him in as if he were her own.
How later in his adulthood, he felt utterly unqualified and afraid to speak before Pharaoh, yet out of all people, God called HIM to do so, and was faithful to him to the end.
I know He will be faithful to me, too, for He has now given ME a calling to raise and love THIS little boy.
If He had told me that I'd be the mother of a bald girl and a black boy through adoption, I'd have never believed it! :)
But THAT is the story He has written for me.
And I take it now REJOICING from His hand.