giving thanks...

Father,

For the new life you have entrusted to me,
I give you thanks.
I never could have imagined
what a gift You would give to us.

He, like us all, is so weak and so frail.
Just six pounds and dependent for everything.
He is thankful for little that comes his way,
but the full feeling in his tummy
and the warmth of a cuddle.

He, like us all, is content and calm
Until the moment his body
tells him You can't be trusted.
That he must scream to receive.

(Isn't that how I act sometimes?
That I must scream to receive?)

As I quietly wash him, or dress him, or change him,
His ears do not stop to hear the reassuring "shushes"
They do not yet listen to the melody of my song
in that moment.
All he knows is fear
All he craves is self-protection
And yet he has no idea the extent of love
pouring out upon him
Or the plan that
has been laid out before him
through adoption.

And all the while,
You, God, hear our feeble cries
Often they drown out the melody of Your song
We demand our own self-protection
And question what You are doing with us
Yet you lovingly tend to us,
amidst our cries,
In ways that we cannot understand.
If only we could stop our own complaining
and listen and trust Your hand.

As that tiny face turns red with misguided newborn fury,
I seek to reassure his cries.
I want him to know my hands
will always and forever
mean certainty.
And security.
He is slowly learning.
But it will take time.

He does not know me.
And I do not know him well.
But as those little beady eyes
Stare at me from the other end of the bottle,
I look into them so intently and fiercely
with all the love
I hold in my heart.
Though we were strangers last week,
today we are family.
Though he was once a far off dream,
today he is
MINE.

When will my heart completely trust Your hand, Lord?
You have brought me so close
And called me Your own.
Adoption is not just his story.
It is mine, too.

At some moment, he will quieten.
He will give it up and calm down.
Even when all is noisy and chaotic around him.
His eyes will close
And his tiny little breaths
find a peaceful rhythm
As he rests content in my arms.
I catch the faintest glimmer of a smile
And then it is gone.
But all is well.
And all is at peace.

It is this day of Thanksgiving
that my soul is in peaceful rhythm
Resting in the arms of
my Father's goodness to me
afterall.
In the cries of my newborn,
I see my own unbelieving heart.

I fought, and cried, and screamed, and kicked.
And yet You never withdrew Your loving care for me.


Today I see the glimmer of Your glory, O God.
The unfolding of a plan so wondrous
That my infant mind could have never conceived.

And I can do nothing else
than to rest all of my fears,
close my eyes,
and find my contentment
in You alone.

And give thanks.
For You are good.

Amen