Monday, May 12, 2008
Mother's Day thoughts...
(before I start, I'm sorry this picture-of-a-picture is blurry, but you get the idea... Emily, please don't be mortified...)
I (Amy) can't tell you how much I have dreaded and hated Mother's Day for the past several years. To an infertile woman, Mother's Day has felt like the ULTIMATE reminder of your failure as a female. It has been like a slap in the face, telling me that I'm not worthy enough to stand up in church or wear a flower/carnation like all the other women. (I'm actually thankful that our church in Lubbock didn't do that like my previous churches did, because I would've missed church altogether in that case...) Seeing Mother's Day commercials on tv or advertisements in stores was enough to make me groan out loud. Around the month of May, my prayer life pretty much consisted of "Why, God?"
But this year was so different. All of those dreadful Mother's Day pasts were there to point me toward this Mother's Day, where I would be able to rejoice and delight in God's unbelievable plan to bring me a beautiful daughter, Caroline. I would look at her during the day so many times and begin crying with pure amazement and joy. I am still saying, "Why, God?," but this time, with a much different tone. I am so humbled and in awe of what He has done. All of the years of crying and doubting, being pricked and poked by needle after needle, and going through procedures that made me feel as crazy as a lunatic were ALL worth it, because it was through those very terrible times that God slowly began to reveal His perfect plan for us through adoption.
But don't get me wrong. I think in every woman who has at one time struggled with infertility, Mother's Day will always carry a special sensitivity. Yesterday I didn't want to go out into public screaming, "Hey everybody! I'm a mother now!" because I know that there will always be women who, like me, will be quietly experiencing that same dread and sadness. (For some reason, most women choose to struggle with infertility secretly- I never understood that, as I have found such great empathy & encouragement when I shared my pain with others...) While Mother's Day is certainly a time to rejoice and be thankful for our own mothers, it's not something I want to now flaunt.
It's not my God-given right as a woman to be a mother. God was never obligated to grant me a child to love. And if He had never given me a child, He would still be just as good and gracious, knowing what is always best for His children. But, in His loving kindness, it was His sheer grace and mercy to bring Caroline to me. Being a mother (whether biological, adoptive, or spiritual) is a gift from God, and through Megan, He has given me the greatest gift of my life.