Monday, May 12, 2008

Mother's Day thoughts...

(before I start, I'm sorry this picture-of-a-picture is blurry, but you get the idea... Emily, please don't be mortified...)

I (Amy) can't tell you how much I have dreaded and hated Mother's Day for the past several years. To an infertile woman, Mother's Day has felt like the ULTIMATE reminder of your failure as a female. It has been like a slap in the face, telling me that I'm not worthy enough to stand up in church or wear a flower/carnation like all the other women. (I'm actually thankful that our church in Lubbock didn't do that like my previous churches did, because I would've missed church altogether in that case...) Seeing Mother's Day commercials on tv or advertisements in stores was enough to make me groan out loud. Around the month of May, my prayer life pretty much consisted of "Why, God?"

But this year was so different. All of those dreadful Mother's Day pasts were there to point me toward this Mother's Day, where I would be able to rejoice and delight in God's unbelievable plan to bring me a beautiful daughter, Caroline. I would look at her during the day so many times and begin crying with pure amazement and joy. I am still saying, "Why, God?," but this time, with a much different tone. I am so humbled and in awe of what He has done. All of the years of crying and doubting, being pricked and poked by needle after needle, and going through procedures that made me feel as crazy as a lunatic were ALL worth it, because it was through those very terrible times that God slowly began to reveal His perfect plan for us through adoption.

But don't get me wrong. I think in every woman who has at one time struggled with infertility, Mother's Day will always carry a special sensitivity. Yesterday I didn't want to go out into public screaming, "Hey everybody! I'm a mother now!" because I know that there will always be women who, like me, will be quietly experiencing that same dread and sadness. (For some reason, most women choose to struggle with infertility secretly- I never understood that, as I have found such great empathy & encouragement when I shared my pain with others...) While Mother's Day is certainly a time to rejoice and be thankful for our own mothers, it's not something I want to now flaunt.

It's not my God-given right as a woman to be a mother. God was never obligated to grant me a child to love. And if He had never given me a child, He would still be just as good and gracious, knowing what is always best for His children. But, in His loving kindness, it was His sheer grace and mercy to bring Caroline to me. Being a mother (whether biological, adoptive, or spiritual) is a gift from God, and through Megan, He has given me the greatest gift of my life.
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  1. Being a mother and losing mine 2 months ago made this Mother's Day bittersweet. I understand your dread of church on this day. I couldn't go on Sunday and have yet to see a Father's Day since my Father died. Enjoy being a Mother and celebrating ends far too quickly and you don't realize it until it is too late.

  2. It's hard for me to read your blog without getting teary eyed. I wish there were words to express how thankful and excited I am that you are a mother! God is more gracious and merciful than we could ever deserve. Praise Him for the way he orchestrates our much more beautiful than anything we could ever imiagine!!

  3. I'm mortified by your scan!

    j/k ;)

    Thanks for your posts, Amy!

  4. Hi Amy

    At first I was deeply offended that the scanned picture was blurry, but then I read your note and I forgave you...;-) No really, I feel like the slight blurriness made it more effective. Great post, it was absolutely beautiful!


  5. Hi Amy! I don't know if you remember me. I stayed at Marc's parents back in 1997. I've been reading your posts and although I have 2 children now, I know exactly how you have felt!! All the other women around me have gotten pregnant so easily and we had to wait and wait...

  6. Beams of heaven! I love you.